My Restaurant

wake the f**k up

2009-01-26T15:42:00.000-08:00

My first product review - FX NEO (otherwise known as Hard Minty Eyedrops) from Japan. I ordered these a few months ago in an attempt to treat a dangerous condition I currently suffer from: when I am in a moving car after dusk I fall asleep, regardless of who is driving. Since falling asleep behind the wheel is generally frowned upon, I try desperately to avoid these situations and have tried eating and drinking many different things (coffee, Monster, candy, healthy snacks etc...) in advance of my trips and while on the road. I adjust my seat, hit the AC, sing showtunes, pinch/slap my own face, listen to Slayer. Nothing works. I get in the car, the sun goes down, my eyes close. It's not as if I am tired, it's just the eyes....they sleep. So, back to my product endorsement - hard Minty Eyedrops by FX Neo. I tried these this past weekend, and they work. I am not sure if it's the pain or what, but they sure do return me to a state of alertness!! I was driving from VA to NJ, and about an hour into my trip I started gettin' drowsy. I pulled over and took one drop in each eye. wow. So, for the first minute I just sort of leaned back in my seat and cried a little. Then I tried opening my eyelids, it took a little while to adjust and be able to see again. I dried my tears and blinked away the stars and I was good to go! I was fine for two hours, then I needed to re-drop, and that got me home. sooo... there's probably some terrible stuff in there, I can't tell because most of the packaging is printed in Japanese. What is in English is mostly a list of chemicals that I don't recognize anyway. There is Taurine in there, which is the active ingredient in Monster (and Red Bull as well, I beleive). But really, I think the real efficacy of this product lies in it's ability to literally shock your system with pain. Remember : they're called Hard Minty Eye Drops, and they're really aptly named. They work, and that beats the hell out of wrapping my car around a tree or running someone else off the road. Another reason to love Japan.

"Don't Shake My Tree, Bitches!" or "The Crying Waitress"

2008-11-25T15:27:00.000-08:00

I told my friend Peter about this blog project today at work, he said I was a big dork. Hey Peter! This is my sad, silly life, OK? Kitka needs a place to vent and no one's making you read. Now shut yer mouth before I put my foot up yer ass.
And that, folks, is how I publicly address Peter, who is widely known to be my BEST friend at work. THAT is the kind of cruel camaraderie we must share on the front lines of 'serving'. There can be no tenderness, no loving, no sensitive and caring chats. There must be only pain, awareness of dismal fate and the resultant whinging and despair. These are the flames that forge our spirits into true heros of art and poetry.
I was going to write about a totally different restaurant topic, but that comment really stuck in my head. Big Dork. hmphf. Tomorrow: Lester the Molester - a tale of flirtation forged in Hell.

10 things we hate about you

2008-11-24T19:16:00.000-08:00

To restaurant diners everywhere: This is an unapologetic venting of some of the major pet peeves of restaurant servers, compiled by my co workers and me. These are, as yet, in no particular order.
1 - Musical Chairs - We hate it when you switch tables after you have already started a check. We need to switch your info on the computer (requiring the authorization of a frequently unattainable manager) and sometime you are no longer in our section of tables... that throws off the hostesses headcount. Not to mention, we have to find an extra second to run into the kitchen to adjust the table number on your order. Try writing on a greasy slip of paper in ballpoint pen in a chaotically busy kitchen, sux. Decide whether or not you like your table when the hostess is seating you.
2 - "But they make it that way at Fuddruckers!" - We hate it when you try to order something containing ingredients that are not to be found in any other item on the menu. A Mexican restaurant does not have Salmon Ceasar Salad OR Pastrami on Rye - stop ordering it.
3 - 'no clever subtitle' - We hate it when you refuse to make eye contact with us when we are speaking to you and when you interrupt us while we are speaking. This is not the drive through, we are not machines.
4 - The Hamster Wheel - We hate it when you order in "waves" ie: everytime your server brings you an item, you request one further item, and so on and so on. We generally are serving several tables at once, and this prevents us from attending to our other patrons. I guarantee your server asks "Can bring you anything else?" or "Do you have everything you need?". Don't just automatically reply Yes, take a minute to look around and actually SEE what else you need. We really don't mind bringing you the ketchup or the grated pepper, but don't keep us on a leash, especially if the restaurant is packed.
5 - Checksss Please! - We hate it when you ask for seperate, itemized checks at the END of a meal. It is pretty difficult to remember who ordered what after the fact, and it puts us in the difficult/annoying position of haveing to quiz the table about what they ordered (if it is a large party). And remember! It takes 7 times longer to run 7 credit cards than it takes to run 1, so don't take it out on us for the delay in closing the checks. It is easier all around if you let us know at the time you are ordering, so we can keep track of that info form the start.
6 - Vultures - We hate it when you get indignant if we misjudge when you are finished with your plate. If you have not taken a bite for more than 10 minutes or have less than 3 french fries left on your plate, we are probably going to ask if you are finished. If everyone followed the rule of putting their utensils on thier plate, there would be no such grey area... but really, we generally have to guess.
7 - Tug Of War - We hate it when you try to get our attention while we are engaged with patrons at another table. If we are taking an order at a nearby table, we can't very well stop in the middle to bring you a bottle of ketchup or a Pepsi refill, so please stop shouting at us (and, yes, even tugging our shirts) while we are talking to someone else. Honestly, what would your Kindergarten teacher say?!
8 - 'no clever subtitle' - We hate it when you totally ignore something we say! "I want a Mojito" (blurted while texting on your phone) is NOT an appropriate answer to the question "How are you all doing today?". When "Can I bring you anything else this afternoon?" is cutoff, mid-sentence, at the word " bring", with your "I dunno, do we want any coffee, Gladys?" (addressed to you girlfriend, and not acknowledging our presence in the slightest) is even more infuriating. Emily Post is slapping you!!
9 - Campers - We hate it when you stay at a table for exceedingly longer than is required to finish your meal, and then neglect to tip accordingly. If you elect to sit at a table for 3 hours, nursing one soda, while catching up with your old college roommate, that's great! But be aware, that while you are there, no one ELSE is sitting there ordering actual food, and your server is missing the opportunity to make his or her wages for the day. If you intend to monopolize a table for an extended period of time, please compensate your server above and beyond the customary 15% - 20%. You pay your rent, you pay for parking space. That table is real estate in that server's section and you are cheating him/her when you hang out and tehn tip solely on the tab.
10 - Go Fish - We hate it when you are vague or territorial with the bill. It's not that we mind if you pay now or pay in 20 minutes, it's the guessing that is maddening. If you have placed cash or a credit card in the book, place it at the edge of the table or prop it up or something. Please don't hide it in the middel of a cluttered tabel or lay your arm over it, forcing us to ask you if we can take it.

Intro Cafe - A Server Rant

2008-11-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

So, I work at a restaurant, I am a waitress. A waitress is not necessarily what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I am pretty good at my job. I am friendly, nice, efficient, etc... having worked in many food industry jobs throughout my life. Waitressing as a profession sets itself apart from other food service jobs (like, say, toasting bagels or dipping ice cream - both of which I have done) in that it requires one to engage in a short relationship with the customer, as opposed to the transaction-length interaction of fast food. As a waitress, I am expected to introduce myself, provide information and opinions, be accurate and fast, be available but not pushy. To be a good waitress, one needs to have the ability to read people and anticipate their needs and mood. Know when to be funny, know when to be flirty, know when to be silent and when to be forceful. More than any other job I have ever held, waitressing has forced me not only to examine how I present myself to the world, but to pay close attention to the cues provided by others. And what have I learned about myself, the human condition, the world at large? It's this: People Are Shits. I never been treated with such a lack or respect, such indignity in my life as I have during my stint as a waitress. People lie, take advantage of each other and have no respect for those who are in a postion to have to work a little harder for thier buck than they, themselves, do. Those of us who choose to wait tables are never doing so because we love the job and are fulfilling a lifelong dream. We are not working our way up a career ladder. What we are usually doing is trying to make money under extenuating circumstances. We are students working our way through college, we are single moms, we are artists trying to support ourselves while bringing something beautiful and meaningful into the world. We would really like to be treated like human beings once in a while.